A Queer Life

I was writing a blog that turned into two blogs. I kept editing and editing. And the more I edited the more I hated all of it and wanted to throw it away. I hate my writing fairly regularly, sometimes my hatred is valid, sometimes it's not. This time I think it was valid and I'll tell you why, but first I want to tell you about being nine or seven or whatever. When I was seven I got a diary for Christmas. This diary was perfumed and pretty. It had a lock and a ribbon bookmark. I started writing in it right away. I wrote in that journal until I was ten.  Several years ago I found that journal and started reading it. Some entries were funny, some were boring, some were heartfelt. It was nice hearing my little girl voice from those pages but after several entries, I noticed an angry undercurrent running through it. I couldn't finish the journal before reading became too unpleasant and I set it down.  Because I was a kid and I didn't know any different, I didn't recogni

"Three," we said unanimously about the crazy looking woman walking in the library door.  "And the only reason she gets such a high score is because she is so interesting," Jaime elaborated.  We had been rating people at work for several weeks now; it passed the time and gave us a few laughs. But one day we looked at each other. "We never rate ourselves," I said.  "I'm too scared," he said.  "Yeah." "And really it depends on the day," he added. "Yeah." I looked down, afraid to meet his eye. I didn't want his harsh eye judging me. I didn't even want to judge myself. "Some days I might be as low as a four and others I might be a ten. Depending on how my eyebrows look. Or how skinny I feel. And doesn't personality have a lot to do with attraction?" "Yeah." "A person can increase their score by three or four points just by putting a little effort into their look, having a little co

Sometimes I feel deep shame about the amount of time I spend on YouTube, watching pointless shit and reading comments. I feel like I'm looking for something and I'm disappointed. Obviously some YouTubers and their videos are more fulfilling than others and sometimes I feel like watching a video is worthwhile. I will sit and watch a two hour video just staring at someone's face with rapt attention. I will regularly pause to read comments, to see if anyone has anything to add to the discourse. I have spent hours and hours and hours of my day doing this. Then I feel shame when I look up from my phone to see the house messy and my mind hazy and the kids hungry and I don't know what month it is.  I like watching creators who have interesting things to say, new points of view, or just funny points of view on anything. I find a channel and I think: "This is the one. This is my favorite YouTuber from now until the end of time." I have even contributed to the occasiona