A Queer Life

I am blogging (in case you haven't noticed) and I have lots of mixed feelings about this. Feeling number one is the topic of the day. Posting a blog on the internet...public...World Wide Web...with global accessibility. Why would someone do that? To be read. Because you have something to say. Attention for your ideas or yourself but attention is the ultimate and only reason.  I feel shame around any attention seeking no matter how subtle, this shame applies to myself and others. Whenever I watch YouTube and vloggers start clamoring for attention, I feel revulsion at the hunger of it.  I could just let people do their own thing, to each his own, que sera sera and all that. Just because they have different needs than mine doesn't make them bad or wrong; logically I know this, but logic isn't part of this equation. I feel disgusted and I feel cruel for my disgust. My abject distain for attention seekers is probably a dysfunction on my part. I assume it is normal and human to w

Third time's a charm. That's right, folks. I'm getting married a third time. This is coming from the girl who at twenty-six, with no boyfriends in sight, felt a deep desperate horror that she would grow ancient without ever marrying. I felt so ugly and unloveable. And now, in less than fifteen years, I married and divorced twice and am now approaching my third marriage.  "My aunt has married nine times," a co-worker told me when I confessed how uncomfortable I was being married three times. "But she's probably a sociopath." My partner, Steve, brings out the me in me. Otherwise, I wouldn't have another relationship inside. Relationship exhaustion.  I don't know how I ever thought polyamory was a good idea. It goes against everything I want in life and I'm still emotionally paying for that.  Always trying to find myself, I felt even more lost the past several years, twisting myself into coupledom. No wonder I avoided dating for so long. But