Breathing Briny Ocean Air (so to speak)

Third time's a charm. That's right, folks. I'm getting married a third time. This is coming from the girl who at twenty-six, with no boyfriends in sight, felt a deep desperate horror that she would grow ancient without ever marrying. I felt so ugly and unloveable. And now, in less than fifteen years, I married and divorced twice and am now approaching my third marriage. 

"My aunt has married nine times," a co-worker told me when I confessed how uncomfortable I was being married three times. "But she's probably a sociopath."

My partner, Steve, brings out the me in me. Otherwise, I wouldn't have another relationship inside. Relationship exhaustion. 

I don't know how I ever thought polyamory was a good idea. It goes against everything I want in life and I'm still emotionally paying for that. 

Always trying to find myself, I felt even more lost the past several years, twisting myself into coupledom. No wonder I avoided dating for so long. But feeling so lost meant choosing things that grated against my core, like a polyamorous lifestyle. I'm still recovering. 

This last year was: Simplify. Simplify. Avoiding excess stimulation. Rotating through the same meals. Having a routine. Self care. Why the hell am I blogging? It feels like it fits. No pressure.

I have lots of blogs in me, anger blogs, grief blogs, lighthearted, heavy. Today is a warm up. A short hello after a year convalescing. (In the past, doctors prescribed ocean visits because the salty air was good for the infirm. Wouldn't that be nice?) 

I am ready, but my engine idles.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

This Guy at Work

  He was big but not fat, just overwhelming. Tall and solid looking, he kind of leaned over me when he talked and when he spoke it was more like shouting despite being less than twelve inches away. His name was Brock.  My first impression when he started shouting in my direction was that he wasn't very bright. His voice was like a caricature of a stupid person, and his West Virginian accent didn't help matters. But when I really listened, he never said anything dumb. In fact, he was quite articulate, which made his story all the more disturbing. The other day when the machines were down we started talking, which is more like him monologuing than a real conversation, but he was interesting so I always listened. "I played football in high school," he told me as we leaned against the unmoving conveyor belt. "The coach kept telling me I should be quarterback instead of front linemen. I said no, but he said, 'I really want you to be QB you've got one hell
Read more

A Triangle of Tears

Tomorrow is Valentine’s Day. “I didn’t think grown adults celebrated Valentine’s Day,” I said to Steve. He said he still wanted to do something Valentine’sy. Okay, that’s kind of sweet.   I am working as a server in a restaurant. I miss my kids. I miss my kids. I miss my kids. I’m not used to working all day on my feet but if I am going to do anything, being a server is pretty close to being a mom, but my kids aren’t there. I just hope I can make enough money to survive and hopefully thrive.  I could talk about socioeconomic issues. I could talk about what it is to be human. I could talk about the Chiefs winning the super bowl. But instead I will talk about the strange surrealism it is to be me right now.  Tyler surprised me on Friday by showing up at my work with the kids. They kissed me and said hello then goodbye, then I cried for the next twenty minutes while serving tables. When I got home that night, the kids were asleep on an air mattress on my bedroom floor. Tyler left and
Read more

Look at Me! Look at Me!

I am blogging (in case you haven't noticed) and I have lots of mixed feelings about this. Feeling number one is the topic of the day. Posting a blog on the internet...public...World Wide Web...with global accessibility. Why would someone do that? To be read. Because you have something to say. Attention for your ideas or yourself but attention is the ultimate and only reason.  I feel shame around any attention seeking no matter how subtle, this shame applies to myself and others. Whenever I watch YouTube and vloggers start clamoring for attention, I feel revulsion at the hunger of it.  I could just let people do their own thing, to each his own, que sera sera and all that. Just because they have different needs than mine doesn't make them bad or wrong; logically I know this, but logic isn't part of this equation. I feel disgusted and I feel cruel for my disgust. My abject distain for attention seekers is probably a dysfunction on my part. I assume it is normal and human to w
Read more