A Queer Life

I am made of flowers. I used to keep them hidden. Sometimes I picked a flower and gave it away but not very often. My flowers are sacred.  I gave John a flower. He smiled and set it down. The wind blew the wilted petals to the ground as he walked away. I gave a flower to Tyler. He loved it. He put it in a jar with water. He wanted more. He danced and sang about the flowers. I gave him more whenever he asked for more. He loved them so much he started picking them himself. My flowers thinned and died. I began hiding my flowers and only picked a few for him when they felt healthy, but that was becoming rarer. I stopped giving him flowers altogether. He cried and said I didn’t love him anymore. I said I loved him but he couldn’t have my flowers. He didn’t understand and kept crying. I picked another flower and gave it to him. Then I met Steve. I didn’t pick any flowers for Steve but he saw them. He sat by them and watered them. He fed them and they grew. Even when he wasn’t there,...

One of my readers said: “This blog is really good; depressing as fuck, but really good.” Depressing as fuck, huh? Well it’s about to get even more depressing….. just kidding. I don’t have anything depressing to say. I mean I could probably come up with something…actually, maybe I will. Okay, onward depression ho! Let’s talk about abuse (abuse is totally depressing). When I was a Mormon I would hear stories about people being sexually or emotionally abused by leaders and how that led them away from the church. My response was always: “Why would you leave the church? Just because that leader was a bad person doesn’t mean the church isn’t true.” My response was not unique. Members are taught to defend the church, attack the people. I was a little robot programmed to spew assholery. I would like to apologize for the person I was when I was Mormon. And now that I’m not, my response to those people is: “I’m really sorry that happened to you. That is really awful. I hope you have gotten he...

I keep writing blogs and not posting them. Will I post this one? We shall see. My life keeps changing from moment to moment. Steve and I weren’t seeing each other and then we were, and planning an ongoing relationship, but within days he called it off again because he saw my failing marriage as a mine field, which it was/is.  Then, days later, I had a meltdown and realized I couldn’t live with Tyler one more day. My body is in a constant state of panic around him. So we had a stand off and then I left just because I had to, and then I came back and then I planned on moving out, but instead he found a place in town so I could stay in our house with the kids. But with him paying rent, that delays our plans to fix up the other house which is my longterm housing solution. That is the only reason we didn’t separate sooner.  I haven’t seen Charles in months and we barely text or talk anymore. We may never see each other again. Our tiny relationship ran its course and that is okay...