Tag Team Back Again

I keep writing blogs and not posting them. Will I post this one? We shall see. My life keeps changing from moment to moment. Steve and I weren’t seeing each other and then we were, and planning an ongoing relationship, but within days he called it off again because he saw my failing marriage as a mine field, which it was/is. 

Then, days later, I had a meltdown and realized I couldn’t live with Tyler one more day. My body is in a constant state of panic around him. So we had a stand off and then I left just because I had to, and then I came back and then I planned on moving out, but instead he found a place in town so I could stay in our house with the kids. But with him paying rent, that delays our plans to fix up the other house which is my longterm housing solution. That is the only reason we didn’t separate sooner. 

I haven’t seen Charles in months and we barely text or talk anymore. We may never see each other again. Our tiny relationship ran its course and that is okay. I was thinking about ending it anyway, maybe keeping him as a platonic friend, but it was hard enough seeing each other because of stuff and nonsense that I don’t even know if platonic friendship is possible. 

In the course of the last few months a few things have become clear to me, but first let me give you a little history. 

I was born and raised Mormon. I believed in Mormonism and I tried keeping the commandments and all that rot. One of these commandments was no sex outside of marriage. I recognized at a young age that I had an intense sex drive which made me afraid of dating because I didn’t think I could control myself and I would just have sex with everyone. The church encouraged this perspective. One of the main leaders called sex drive “a river of fire that needs to be banked and cooled”. Well, shit…..

So I cooled my river of fire by staying away from men. I dated only accidentally and very rarely. I didn’t know what I was looking for but I found most men terrifying or uninteresting. I finally got a serious boyfriend when I was twenty eight and he was my first sexual encounter and my first husband. Hi John! (He’s not listening.)  

Anyway, after John and I divorced I decided that if I ever wanted to date, I couldn’t be afraid of premarital sex. But what was I looking for in a partner? I didn’t even know. John was exhilarating which became exhausting and boring. So maybe I should look for someone who could be a good friend. That’s how Tyler and I got together. We were/are excellent friends.

Before meeting Tyler, I dated and had sex with one guy one time and that was it (another story for another time). Then I started dating Tyler (also Mormon) and we married quickly. (Sex probably had something to do with it.) Before marriage our only bedtime activities were sleeping, snuggling and kissing. 

Fast forward a few years when Tyler and I left the church and became polyamorous, unmarried sex was no longer a thing. Now I could let my raging sexual urges out. What did I want to do? I could date women. I could be a stripper. I could have orgies. I went on dating sites, talked to people, set up dates and ghosted everyone. 

I also realized that there were very few men who I found compelling, so few, in fact, that I really thought homosexuality was my juicy cup of tea. But then I realized I didn’t find very many women compelling either. I had thought that in order to love I had to be possessed. I thought love would hit me like a truck and I would feel frantic about them and that was love. Now that I have experienced those things, I realize how much that sucks and it can’t last. 

In the mean time, while Tyler was/is my best friend, our romance has turned into a truck that's constantly assaulted but keeps trying to drive. 

What is the problem? The problem is, I have spent my life trying to force feelings out of myself. Mormonism taught me to decide what the right feelings are and then make myself feel that. For years I have been trying to force my relationship with Tyler into romance when maybe it really is just friendship. I never understood that distinction before. I thought romantic relationships were a choice.

I have a strong sex drive, so I thought that meant I wanted to fuck everyone and/or become a sex worker. But no, my relationship with Charles taught me that even with a strong sex drive and not being Mormon anymore, I really don’t want to have sex with most people, like really, hardly anyone.

I noticed this in myself and thought there was something wrong with me. Everyone else had crushes on so many people and fell in love so easily. I thought someone was cute or interesting and then I got bored with them. Sometimes I became obsessed and even that became boring or exhausting. 

After all of this sorting of my brain’s turmoil around love and romance and understanding my sexual desires and how to express them, I met Steve. Steve felt real. I wasn’t obsessed. I wasn’t needy. He was compelling to me and I actually enjoyed sex with him. The relationship didn’t feel overly passionate or fantastical. I just really liked him. I didn’t want to like him. I waited to stop feeling anything because I tend to cool quickly (like really quickly). The fire we had felt like a comfortable hearth fire. I liked everything about him and he liked me. I was a little afraid of getting involved and growing bored and then not knowing what to do with him, but this felt different. It was the most pleasant love I ever felt. It was easy, not strained with passion and longing. It was friendship and also romance. It was sexual desire realized in the nicest way. 

Steve showed me what was possible. Maybe we’ll see each other again but even if we don’t, now I know how to listen to myself. Now I know what I’m looking for. I don’t need to force love the way I always have. I don't think I like polyamory. I don't think I want to build a life with a woman. I can wait for someone who compels me. I can wait for peaceful, unstrained love. Maybe I'll wait for a long time but now that I know my options, I'm willing.