Letting my Bitch Flag Fly

Being sick can make you groggy and foggy, but sometimes that brain fog can help you see things more clearly, like how I feel about the romantic relationships in my life. When I got the flu and laid in bed for three days straight, I realized I have been putting too much time and energy into my relationships. That’s why I didn’t want to be polyamorous in the first place, I couldn’t spare the relationship energy. 

The polyamory idea started because I wanted Tyler to find someone else he could focus his attention on to take the pressure off me. He found someone. Someone he communicates with six or more hours a day. But it’s not enough. I still feel oppressed when he’s around. 

My relationship with Charles felt a bit like a vacation from my life, so I started living for the weekends when I would see him, but that wasn’t enough either.  Those weekends were starting to feel more like a scrambled egg of activities than a vacation. And even if it were more like a vacation, holding my breath waiting for vacation isn’t how I want to live. 

I started looking for a job so I could be financially independant. Financial independance would help me feel like I didn’t need anyone and it wouldn’t matter what choices others made. I know I don’t need a job to help me be emotionally independant, but it would help me feel like I could buy things, which is always nice. But then I started waiting for a job. 

The flu made me realize that I feel burdened by my relationships. I spend so much of my life waiting to get out of where I am, maybe I should just get out of where I am. I think I need to end all my relationships. I need to get a job and just be single for awhile. The physical and emotional energy I’ve been putting into relationships has worn me thin. I’m tired. I just want to focus on taking care of myself and my kids without worrying about someone else and their precious feelings all the time. 

When Tyler and I first talked about polyamory I kept drawing out scenerios that worried me and one time he said, “Why do all of your scenerios end with you being single? There are a million options out there, why is single the one you always end up with?” 

I don’t know what I said, but maybe the truth is I want to be single. Maybe that’s what I said back then. Maybe I miss being single. I was boyfriendless until I was twenty-seven and I didn’t marry until I was thirty. Ever since then I have been almost constantly “hooked up” and I’m tired of it. 

Maybe I like being single because I’m just a big fat lesbian that doesn’t want to be with a man at all. But even if that’s the case, I don’t want a girlfriend for a good long time because I’m just so tired of being in a relationship. Tyler and Charles have worn me to exhaustion. I don’t know when I’ll raise my head again to see if someone attractive has walked through the door. I just don’t care anymore.