Steve

The party was wild, but not so wild we didn’t notice each other. Not so wild we didn’t discover we spoke the same language. He said I put my hand on his leg. I don’t remember that part. We left the party and ended up in my friend’s guest bedroom. Clothes on, souls touching. We wanted to be close, holding each other. 

We talked. I poured my fairy magic onto him and he loved it. People don’t always love it but he did. We breathed each other swirling among the planets, Steve and I.

What the hell was I doing? Was I using my fairy magic irresponsibly? Did that make me an evil fairy? Who the hell cares? Steve activated my pixie dust. 

In the morning things might look different but it didn’t matter in that bed, arms mouths minds. 

My cup was full, I said. We couldn’t have a relationship, I said. But we exchanged numbers. He came over the next day and met Tyler, ate dinner and played games. I thought of him all week.

He returned the next weekend bringing food and wine. This time it was just us, Christmas trees, blanket forts, Stone Temple Pilots..… 

I felt like me for the first time since middle school. Relaxation. Relief.

But…..

A guillotine gleamed. A faultering marriage. Jealousy. Trust. And so many feelings. 

It isn’t right, he said.

But, God, it was beautiful. We had one night and two days. Icy walks and tasty skin. Blue eyed laughter. Then the guillotine blade swayed, catching the light. I was living on a precipice. Building a new, healthy relationship during a storm wasn’t wise (or possible?). And if this was real, if we could be something, Steve and I, it should be healthy. I can be frivolous and crazy but I didn’t want to lose something that might be great.

A long broken goodbye. A paused relationship for a more stable future (maybe). I am afraid to hope too much. Just breathe and take the next step.