A Queer Life

I am blogging (in case you haven't noticed) and I have lots of mixed feelings about this. Feeling number one is the topic of the day. Posting a blog on the internet...public...World Wide Web...with global accessibility. Why would someone do that? To be read. Because you have something to say. Attention for your ideas or yourself but attention is the ultimate and only reason.  I feel shame around any attention seeking no matter how subtle, this shame applies to myself and others. Whenever I watch YouTube and vloggers start clamoring for attention, I feel revulsion at the hunger of it.  I could just let people do their own thing, to each his own, que sera sera and all that. Just because they have different needs than mine doesn't make them bad or wrong; logically I know this, but logic isn't part of this equation. I feel disgusted and I feel cruel for my disgust. My abject distain for attention seekers is probably a dysfunction on my part. I assume it is normal and human to w...

When I was in Kindergarten I had a crush on a girl. I thought she was the most beautiful creature in the world. I invited her to my sixth birthday party and I was so excited when she came. I told her that I thought she was really pretty and she said I was pretty too. When we got our picture packets from picture day, I asked her for a wallet sized one (because that’s what you did in those days). She gave me one and I was so excited that now I could stare at her unblinkingly without it being awkward.  I showed my mom my class picture then showed her the picture of my friend and told her how pretty that girl was. My mom said the girl was okay looking but definitely not the prettiest girl in the world, not even the prettiest girl in the class. She pointed out another girl and said she was the prettiest girl in the class. I felt so sad about that and I even tried switching my brain around to like that girl, but she didn’t do anything for me. I still looked at the picture of my friend ...