A Queer Life

Good morning, my lovely readers, I can't be my usual glib, lighthearted self today because this topic upsets me to my core. If you came here for the jokes, you should wait until next month, or whenever I post again. I remember getting on to YouTube and finding my recommended videos were all Amber and Johnny in court. Without ever clicking on a video I became aware that Johnny Depp and Amber Heard had married and now hated each other and the public was taking sides and that side was mostly Johnny's.  Johnny Depp has been a media heartthrob since I was a child. I remember seeing his face on TV and me, who is mostly immune to celebrities's good looks, was startled straight up in my chair. My God, he is stunning. And I remembered his name and I kept my eyes out for that incredible face. And that name and that face have endured over the decades.  But even Johnny Depp with his gorgeous face and circus showman demeanor lost interest for me over the years. (I wasn't against him...

I will now be signing all emails with this disclaimer:  On average it takes me two days to overthink the best response to your email. You can be assured that I will reply to you in my head and forget to send you an actual reply. In the future, please save us both the stress on our mental health and avoid sending me any emails. Hello my pretties! On Sunday I received an email that caused me a lot of emotional turmoil. I spent the next few days working on my response. I cried, I got angry, I wanted to ignore it, I wanted to slam out a response and send it.  What I've done is write and edit and edit and edit some more. Today I thought I was ready to send it off, but instead of sending it to my mom (who is the final recipient) I sent it to my brother for feedback.   I have lots of issues with my mom. I haven't been able to talk to her for years now. I didn't really decide this, it just happened because whenever I thought about talking to her I got panic attacks. So on Sunday ...

Every morning I announce I’m going running, then I don’t run. It’s a running joke. Hello my pretties! As I've said before, I watch too much YouTube. Then I stop watching YouTube and I feel better about life and everything else. Then I stumble onto YouTube again and the cycle repeats. The truth is YouTube is not just a destructive addiction, it also has valid, wonderful things on there I don't want to lump in with the garbage.  YouTube has helped me: Process religious trauma and articulate so many things actually wrong with Mormonism. Process past abusive relationships and how to move on and be stronger. Learn how to think critically.  Learn how to think philosophically. YouTube is an awesome learning tool, but it is also an entertainment tool and YouTube entertainment feels terrible to me.  So if I focus my YouTube time on learning then I can learn all kinds of things. I heard a rumor of a woman who learned accounting from YouTube and got a corner office without ever gett...

I'm back so soon. Blogging has been on the back burner of my mind, and the smell is finally getting to me.  Most of my life I have avoided having a voice. Some people call that being shy. I am shy, but I don't know if avoiding my own humanness and the space I take up, is part of that. But blogging is definitely a way to express myself in a way that is comfortable to me. Dare I even announce that I am considering doing a 30 day challenge to blog every day? I worry that once I announce it, I will run away and stop blogging for two years, or just abandon this blog and start another one where no one can find me. (I'm always doing that. I don't even remember all the random blogs I've started. But, like I said, I run when I know I'm being read. I run when I hear my own voice being echoed back to me through my audience. Making a difference terrifies me. Affecting people terrifies me. Hurting anyone terrifies me. I live in terror. I live in terror. But that's not wh...

A millenia ago, there was a TV show called American Idol. I used to watch this show.  All those lifetimes ago, I was also Mormon and subscribed to all those Mormon beliefs; one of which was telling teenaged girls: "When you dress immodestly, you become pornography for men." I was also married to a man who many would describe as "downright abusive"; but he never hit me, so it took me a minute to figure out. Don't worry, I'll connect all these dots in a minute. It was the day after some high profile awards show and the Internet talk was about Jennifer Lopez's nip-slip the night before. I dug deeper trying to figure out what happened. Had her boob just popped out of her dress while presenting? Did she act embarrassed? How did the audience respond? I had trouble finding much except a few benign pictures of her presenting. There was speculation about whether her exposure was on purpose or not. Eventually I found a video of her whole time on stage. It was only...