The problem with Depp V. Heard

Good morning, my lovely readers,

I can't be my usual glib, lighthearted self today because this topic upsets me to my core. If you came here for the jokes, you should wait until next month, or whenever I post again.

I remember getting on to YouTube and finding my recommended videos were all Amber and Johnny in court. Without ever clicking on a video I became aware that Johnny Depp and Amber Heard had married and now hated each other and the public was taking sides and that side was mostly Johnny's. 

Johnny Depp has been a media heartthrob since I was a child. I remember seeing his face on TV and me, who is mostly immune to celebrities's good looks, was startled straight up in my chair. My God, he is stunning. And I remembered his name and I kept my eyes out for that incredible face. And that name and that face have endured over the decades. 

But even Johnny Depp with his gorgeous face and circus showman demeanor lost interest for me over the years. (I wasn't against him or anything, celebrities just don't hold my interest very long.) I'm telling you this because I haven't cared about Johnny Depp for years, but other people have, Jack Sparrow became a major cultural phenomenon. 

Amber Heard I didn't know existed until all those videos showed up on YouTube. I didn't know she was married to Johnny Depp. I didn't know she was an actress. I didn't know anything, but without clicking on any videos I knew people hated her, but they didn't hate her in a normal way, she became the internet punching bag. 

This seemed strange to me so I wanted to know more, but I refused to click on any of those one-sided YouTube videos. 

So I waited. 

And last week, years after the trial, when all the YouTube activity has died down, I looked into it. Now, let me warn you, I didn't do a bunch of my own research or anything, but when I hear a bunch of arguments for one side I tend to look up the other side's argument first to see if it holds water at all. So I did enough research to find a YouTuber (Medusone in case you're interested) who did all the research for me. I wasn't willing to watch hours of court footage etc. But Medusone did. She read transcripts; she went through every part of this case chronologically piece by piece. She read through the withheld evidence. She read the transcripts from the UK case when Johnny Depp sued The Sun media outlet for the same reason he was suing Amber Heard and most of the evidence was the same (only not withheld) and he lost that case. And Medusone presented all this evidence in three videos totaling eight hours of YouTube footage, and I watched every minute of it. 

And it made me think, a lot. 

I am on my third marriage (in case you didn't know) and people judge me and have judged me as crazy or toxic or -insert negative trait here- because only shitty people end up divorced and only nice people stay married or something stupid like that. 

So now I must explain my three marriages and two divorces in the most simplistic way possible (impossible). 

I was raised in a family where I can very confidently say my mother was abusive to my father and he was unequivocally a victim of her abuse. They stayed married for almost fifty years before my dad died. I was also raised in a church that promoted marrying in a hurry to whoever seemed to like you and sticking it out forever. 

Based on lots of things, I ended up dating and marrying two shitty guys and a third guy who isn't shitty at all. But after experiencing my mother, my religion, and two shitty husbands, I am familiar with bad behavior in intimate relationships. I am so familiar that I am often shocked by the behavior of my current husband and how healthy it is, boundaries, loyalty, independence, able to take criticism, mutual respect and a desire to understand. I am flabbergasted. I am agog. 

So while I was never physically beaten by my bad husbands, their behavior had the same patterns, just minus the physical domination. One thing they always did (and my mother too, we can't forget her) is turn themselves into a victim. They were so overly sensitive that the smallest infraction turned them into a grown toddler-adult throwing a tantrum and I became the mean one, the perpetrator. How dare I criticize or judge? How dare I do anything but nod, smile and support? I need to always use the sweetest tone, the kindest words, the gentlest round about way of breaching a forbidden topic. Because if not, they felt justified in hurting me every way they could; except hitting, they never hit (except my mother, she did hit me, but only when I really deserved it [sarcasm]). 

As I learned about the Depp/Heard case, I saw all those behaviors in Johnny Depp. I recognized the stressful conversation pattern of one party (Amber) banging their head against the wall trying to be heard and understood while the other person deflected, blamed and threw tantrums. It is maddening, it is infuriating, and sometimes Amber lost it (as I have). 

This is a conversation between Amber and Johnny:

Amber: Yes, I hit you but I was scared. I was afraid you were going there again [meaning he was going to beat the shit out of her again] and I just reacted so I hit you. I'm sorry.

Johnny: You punched me.

Amber: I didn't even punch you, I just slapped you. But you have to understand that I was scared. We've gone there in the past and I was afraid. You've really hurt me before. 

Johnny: I lost my finger, Amber! [Something that was not part of the current situation and even Johnny admitted he didn't know how the tip of his finger got cut off.] 

At some point Amber loses her shit and tells Johnny he's a fucking baby. 

This is a conversation between me and one of my exes:

Me: We need to talk about how you handcuffed me to the banister.

Ex: What about it?

Me: I'm really upset about it. I told you not to and you said you wouldn't and then you did.

Ex: You just walked away from me, treating me like shit in front of your whole family. I just barely met them and you act like that. What was I supposed to do?

Me: I'm sorry. I didn't realize that upset you so much. But you handcuffed me to the banister and then you threw the key. 

Ex: I was just having fun. It was a game, and you got the key so what was the problem? 

Me: I barely got the key with my toes and then you said you should have thrown it further.

Ex: I guess you can't take a joke. And then you treated me like shit in front of your whole family. What were they supposed to think? They think I'm a piece of shit, that's what. They are going to take your side. 

At this point I am so angry I want to grab the steering wheel and jerk us into oncoming traffic, or punch him in the face or tell him it's over. 

A conversation between two healthy adults:

A: You really hurt me when you did [blank].

B: Yeah, I've been thinking about that. I'm sorry. I feel really bad. 

Or 

B: Oh, really? I'm sorry. I had no idea. What was it specifically that hurt you so much?

And then they can have a conversation reaching greater understanding, and somewhere along the way, you kiss the wet passion of tears. See the difference? 

So I have a huge issue with how this case pulled loads of men out of the ground with their soft necks barely holding up their heads as they tell stories of their abusive wives and how it is hard for men to speak out. Johnny is a hero. A beacon of abused men everywhere. But any man who is actually a good person would recognize Johnny Depp as the asshole that he is. 

You don't treat your loved one like that when they say they are scared of you. And really, they shouldn't be scared of you in the first place. 

Amber Heard in her abused and traumatized state was forced into a court case that she didn't want to be a part of, where she had to recount horrific abuse and rape and the public responded by making videos laughing at her body (she is gorgeous by the way), and her clothing, and the way she cried, and the way she talked, and the way she looked in these pictures. Some people even made jokes about her rape. And they called her crazy and a liar and an abuser. 

So when I see comments from men rallying around Johnny as a brave soul and Amber as a crazy bitch, I can only assume those men are terrible people. A person shaking and crying and speaking incoherently is a person in trauma. When you see one person in trauma and another person acting calmly, even if the traumatized person says they are an abuser, they are not, they are a victim. 

Today is national red rose day and the red rose symbolizes love and romance and sometimes that is sad.

Love and hugs and kisses,

Sophia McVee