A Queer Life

When your spouse gets a little upset, just remember a simple “calm down” in a soothing voice is all it takes to get them a lot more upset. Hello my pretties! Do you want a little story today? Let's have story time. Personally, I hate wedding culture. I don't hate that it exists, I just hate it for myself. Throwing a big princess party for me and my Ken doll just seems like a giant pretentious embarrassment. And I hate that it is shoved onto women because "that's what women want", when, surprise!, women are not all the same. And nowhere is wedding culture more pronounced than in Mormonism, complete with the castle-temple at the center of your wedding day. Temple marriage is a big deal for Mormons. It is the biggest deal. And I mean the BIGGEST deal.  Because it is such a big deal, every bride-to-be is very proud of their impending temple marriage. Wedding invitations feature the temple, plus the announcement of the wedding inside the giant glowing building. Even if...

Polygon - reverting back to monogamy... Hello my magic bean buyers! I want to talk about my polyamorous days dating Charles. Why? I don't know. Just because.  Charles was too young for me. Let's get that out of the way right now. He was too young, but I needed an ego boost and a distraction, and Charles wasn't demanding. At first Charles was enjoyable company. He was a good listener and seemed to have an active life: competitive sword fighting, visiting family in the country, building an elaborate haunted house, vacationing at a lake in Oklahoma.  And then we had sex.  We had sex because my relationship with my husband, Tyler, needed to change and having sex with Charles seemed like it would do the trick.  But before we had sex, I wanted to call Tyler.  Charles said, "Aren't you guys separating anyway?"  "Yes." He shrugged like he just won an argument and suddenly I hated him. I still wanted to have sex with him though. And because I can't say no...

"Three," we said unanimously about the crazy looking woman walking in the library door.  "And the only reason she gets such a high score is because she is so interesting," Jaime elaborated.  We had been rating people at work for several weeks now; it passed the time and gave us a few laughs. But one day we looked at each other. "We never rate ourselves," I said.  "I'm too scared," he said.  "Yeah." "And really it depends on the day," he added. "Yeah." I looked down, afraid to meet his eye. I didn't want his harsh eye judging me. I didn't even want to judge myself. "Some days I might be as low as a four and others I might be a ten. Depending on how my eyebrows look. Or how skinny I feel. And doesn't personality have a lot to do with attraction?" "Yeah." "A person can increase their score by three or four points just by putting a little effort into their look, having a little co...

I'm back so soon. Blogging has been on the back burner of my mind, and the smell is finally getting to me.  Most of my life I have avoided having a voice. Some people call that being shy. I am shy, but I don't know if avoiding my own humanness and the space I take up, is part of that. But blogging is definitely a way to express myself in a way that is comfortable to me. Dare I even announce that I am considering doing a 30 day challenge to blog every day? I worry that once I announce it, I will run away and stop blogging for two years, or just abandon this blog and start another one where no one can find me. (I'm always doing that. I don't even remember all the random blogs I've started. But, like I said, I run when I know I'm being read. I run when I hear my own voice being echoed back to me through my audience. Making a difference terrifies me. Affecting people terrifies me. Hurting anyone terrifies me. I live in terror. I live in terror. But that's not wh...

I’m drunk and high off my ass right now. The only reason I’m capable of writing is because I ate and urinated several times. Anyway, that’s not what I’m talking about right now. What I’m talking about is how I started watching Sex and the City and how interesting it is that these women are trying to figure out love but they aren’t really articulating what they want from love. They want to be powerful and independent, and financially they are, but in the romance world they don’t seem to know how to do it. So they decide all men are the same; and respond by acting the way they think men are acting toward them; I guess to give men a taste of their own medicine. I’ve only gotten through a few episodes. I’m so behind the times. But it’s a good show. It’s kind of inspiring though. I realized that I’m kind of doing the Carrie Brashaw thing with this blog. It’s all about sex and all those such things. But I feel like I have a bit of a leg up on Carrie Bradshaw because I know what I want from ...

In my post called The Perfect… I fell in love with a married man, my boss, and for the first time I considered polyamory as a valid option. I felt like I belonged with him and his wife. But that would never happen because…you know, all the things. Having sex with Tom would result in a broken marriage, just like all those adultery movies I saw as a kid. Those left me with lasting terror.   One day when Charles and I were making love in his room for hours and his other partner knocked on the door, he said give us five minutes and we scrambled to get dressed. It felt a bit like those adultery movies. Except there was no real fear. I couldn’t live a life of deception, but pretending to was kind of fun.  When leaving that job and Tom and I were saying goodbye we hugged, and touched for the first time. I had been wanting to touch him, hug him, fuck him for over a year, but when it happened, I didn’t even notice. Several days later I thought: “Wait a second! I should have felt chi...