The Perfect....and then some

In my post called The Perfect… I fell in love with a married man, my boss, and for the first time I considered polyamory as a valid option. I felt like I belonged with him and his wife. But that would never happen because…you know, all the things. Having sex with Tom would result in a broken marriage, just like all those adultery movies I saw as a kid. Those left me with lasting terror. 

One day when Charles and I were making love in his room for hours and his other partner knocked on the door, he said give us five minutes and we scrambled to get dressed. It felt a bit like those adultery movies. Except there was no real fear. I couldn’t live a life of deception, but pretending to was kind of fun. 


When leaving that job and Tom and I were saying goodbye we hugged, and touched for the first time. I had been wanting to touch him, hug him, fuck him for over a year, but when it happened, I didn’t even notice. Several days later I thought: “Wait a second! I should have felt chills or something.” 


I figured the reason I hadn’t felt the chills was because our relationship had run its course. If it was true love it would be everlasting etcetera etcetera etcetera… So my feelings must not have been real. What a relief! 


I must have fallen in love with him to learn some lessons, like recognizing my husband John was an asshole so I could divorce him, or figuring out that a husband I could talk to would be a nice thing. Lesson learned, let’s move on.


Now that I have a better understanding of my sexuality, I can see a few things differently. I know that if a triad with Tom and Aleiah happened it would have been as stifling to me as monogamy. I wanted to be close and sexual with them but I couldn’t be limited by them as my only partners either. I know that I like the idea of a relationship with a married man more than a man I have all to myself because I don’t want him to monopolize all my time. I know that I did love Tom and I could have been happy with him. I don’t buy into the idea of true love, “The One” or anything like that. I love lots of people and lots of people love me and if there is a reason and opportunity for that love to continue it can continue. I am now open to loves of all kinds. 


A temporary love is as valuable as a long term love. Sometimes my love is expressed as snuggling or talking or fucking. I’m not putting rules and walls around my love anymore. I can have an hour long love or a lifetime love and they are both held infinitely in my heart. 

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