Cuddle Orgies and Substances

The last time I was at Charles’ house we ended up talking and drinking into the late evening with a straight woman, her lesbian sister, a femme presenting trans non-binary person, and, of course, Charles. We all ended up snuggling on the couch writhing around each other like one of those sexy vampire orgy movies. Some of us kissed. We mostly held hands, hugged and stroked each other’s hair. 

I suggested an orgy, a real one, not just a snuggle one. Sometimes I wonder about alcohol. Some people call it liquid courage. Some people call it emotional lubrication. Shakespeare said it increases sexual desire but diminishes the performance. For me, alcohol just loosens the valve on all my desires. I cry easier and I usually ask someone if they will kiss me (not usually while crying). Alcohol seems to decrease inhibition. So when I’m under the influence, I act the way I always want to act, I just don’t allow myself. Maybe I need more crying and kissing (fucking) in my everyday life. 


The orgy idea was turned down, the straight woman said no one was going to have sex with her sister in her house and they definitely weren’t going to have sex with each other. The lesbian sister said she didn’t want to do anything sexual while under the influence because she can’t officially consent. I could respect that. 


Back to the substance conversation. I understand drunkeness is a different experience for everyone, but I am always aware of myself when I drink. I feel like I can give consent. I may be a little looser, sloppier, gigglier, but I don’t feel out of control. Besides that, my body feels uncomfortably swollen before I get too drunk. So I sober up while others are getting drunker. 


Marijuana on the other hand… Marijuana often makes me black out. I feel much less aware of my choices when I’m high. I have a hard rule about no sexuality when I’m under the influence, even when I’m horny, even when I’m around someone I trust, even when it’s just Tyler. So I can appreciate other people’s boundaries around alcohol, but that isn’t my experience. I think alcohol just relaxes me to be more myself.


Anyway, now that I’m polyamorous, non Mormon, and homosexual, I don’t have so many walls around my sexuality. When I’m drinking, I am more willing to explore. Even when I’m sober, I fall in love with everyone and want to snuggle and fuck. I just don’t always know if the other person is up for it, that’s the only thing holding me back now. But when I’m a little drunk I feel more comfortable asking for kisses and orgies. 


Maybe with all of my religious conditioning alcohol is the only way of getting over my sexual inhibitions. With enough time and experience maybe I won’t even need alcohol anymore. 

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