In the Garbage Can

So many blogs I have thrown in the garbage can lately. I don’t think the blogs are bad but I get distracted and walk away and when I return I’m not interested anymore. What did I write about yesterday? I don’t know. I won’t even glance over it with my sleep deprived eyes. 

Moving on. Today’s topic is aggitation. 

I have spent years of my life in a semi-aggitated or extremely aggitated state. I have jumped from job to job. I’ve had too many committed relationships. I’ve moved more times than I can count, sometimes to a new city, sometimes a new state; I’ve even considered a new country more than once. 

Once again, I’m in a place where everything is new: relationship, home, city, job. And hopefully next month I’ll be in another new job. But now I’m tired. I want to rest. I want to find a place to settle. 

After much drama in January around Tyler and my separation from him, Steve and I met up again. 

“You are the last person I made love to,” I told him. This was saying a lot since, at the time, I had three lovers other than him. 

“Let’s keep it that way,” he said and then we made love. I wanted to keep it that way too and I ended things with everyone else. 

Polyamorous people find one lover to be restrictive, monogamous people find it comforting. I was a polyamorous person with Tyler because having him as my only lover felt suffocating. Now that I’m with Steve I’m monogamous because having him as my only lover feels like peace and safety.  

Can I stay in this relationship? Can I stay at a job and in a home and have a life that is predictable? I feel angry that I’ve built so many lives and torn them down, but at the same time, I don’t long for any of my past lives. Every destroyed life was a stepping stone that got me where I am now and I’m hoping that now can last a long time. 

I used to believe that I needed a man to care for me and my economic well being. Dependent. Dependent sounds so bad, so pathetic, but it’s not so bad, dependence is the glue holding relationships together. Without dependence I wouldn’t want a man around, getting in the way and making my life harder; he wouldn’t want me around, demanding things from him. Dependence forces tolerance and tolerance is required for lasting relationships. Dependence or loneliness. 

I made myself small so I wouldn’t be alone.

Relationships don’t survive without manipulation and coersion. Right?

Well, here I am with Steve and I’m figuring things out in a new way. Steve rejoices in my independence. We are only together because we want to be. We are currently not dependent on each other, but what if we become more dependent just because of life and stuff? Or what if we stop enjoy each other’s company? I don’t know. There are no guarantees. Steve and I like to say that we are soul mates, we have a cosmic connection, we were meant to be together, but even all those things don’t guarantee we’ll be together five or even two years from now. 

Somehow my independence with Steve is translating to stability, at least that’s the way it feels and that’s what I want more of. 

Anyway, the more independence and stability I gain the more I’m aware of the aggitation and how it has been ruling my life. I fear it. If I get too comfortable will the aggitation rear its head and create chaos without my permission? I fear it. I fear building a beautiful life and having it torn down.