Bad Liar

When paradise falls apart for one side of a couple, we find the other side never had paradise. 

Tyler said our paradise began falling apart when I told him I might be gay. My paradise might have always been a lie. 

“You can be anything you want!” Is one lie I believed. 

I made myself into what I wanted. It never occurred to me that there was a “Me” inside who might not like the person I thought was ideal. But Me will not be silenced. Me will fight to be heard, throw tantrums, get depressed. Me will have panic attacks because Me is not getting its needs met. After a lifetime of not listening, I barely know how. 

Even after listening, I want to impress people. I want to be liked. I fear losing love. I fear losing everything. I have built my life around so many lies. When I start telling the truth what will fall away? Will anything remain?

I thought I wanted to be sexually liberated. I had sex with Charles and partnered with him. A new relationship has some fun energy. I can feel beautiful and desirable, but when that fades I am left limping and just wanting to be alone. 

I want to be happily married to Tyler. But Me doesn’t want that. Me doesn’t want a monogamous, sexual, romantic relationship with him, at least right now. I don’t know what Me wants. 

Wanting men was about obsessing over them. Throwing myself at them. Feeling frantic and disappointed. But Tyler didn’t disappoint me, which was much worse. I haven’t slept in years. 

My obsessions tell me to hang on. Something else is telling me to let go. Last night I let go and I slept.