Dumpster Fire Love

The deed is done. Tyler and I are separated. I did it with lots of support from my family. I don’t think I could have done it without them. Leaving your spouse when you have no resources and little children at home and years of not working is a daunting task. Especially when your spouse is not being violent or aggressive. If he has a gun and a history of violence then there are government resources to keep you and your children safe. But if your husband is being supportive and kind and yet you have panic attacks around him and you feel like you are dying a thousand deaths every moment you are together, no one understands your need to be free. And if you have no resources, that lack of understanding amounts to traversing the Sahara alone to find independence.  

I was at a party where a woman was asked about her boyfriend and she shouted: “I hate him! I hate him! I hate him!” When asked why she stayed with him she said: “Money. I can’t afford to leave.” 

I have a friend who has been trying to separate from her husband for over a year, he is sleeping on the couch and she is sleeping in the bedroom. She gets uncomfortable every time he comes into the bedroom for his clothes. They have six kids together and she can’t find a job to get on her feet to separate. Money.

I had a dream that I started a non-profit for women needing to leave relationships. We would help them find jobs and housing; help them gain independence. How many women are being slowly crushed in their relationships? How many women feel powerless to escape?

I feel like I should do something about this. 

Anyway, with crocodiles nipping at my toes and a helicopter lifting me to safety is how I managed to get out of my relationship with Tyler. Things got pretty ugly for a few weeks, but once again, because of my enormous and supportive family, I had somewhere to go to get my head on straight as I turned my life upside down then set it on fire. 

I moved an hour away from my kids. I got a job. And somewhere in there Steve turned up again, so now I have a new relationship. I broke up with Charles because it was long overdue and because after being with Steve, other romances seem silly and pointless.

So here I am. I am a woman who abandoned her family. I am a woman who left her doting husband for a young hunk. I am a woman who is living a selfish life. I am a woman who is whispered about behind manicured hands. How could she? And what about the children? I hear she found a new guy and ran away with him. Well, we all know that relationship won’t last. Her husband was the sweetest guy. There is just no pleasing some women. 

I know the gossip. Over the years I heard about other women in my situation. I didn’t know their situations, just like no one really knows mine, but when I look at my old life I know there is nothing to preserve. I will still feel grief because I bleed, but I know Tyler, as broken hearted as he is, is moving on to more fullfillment; I know my children, as much as they miss me, will be happier; I know I am choosing freedom and peace for myself despite the pain. 

I’m frightened. I don’t know what I’m doing. Nothing makes sense. This is a bad idea. I’m a terrible person. My emotions are rubber banding me as I stretch to breaking and relax throughout the day. It is difficult having my life torn to shreds while trying to build everything new. 

And yet….and yet…. For the first time in my life I feel like I’m right where I belong. And maybe that's the scariest part.