Poly Problems
Love means never having to say, "Put down that meat cleaver!"
Hello my pretties!
Once upon a time I was married to a man named Tyler.
I knew something was wrong with our relationship, but it was like he cast a deep, black magic spell, creating confusion and brain fog whenever I thought about our marriage. We stumbled onto polyamory as an answer.
There are books about polyamory. There are blog posts about polyamory. There are polyamorous people. There are polyamorous groups. I devoured all the information I found. How exactly did it work?
"It can be anything you want it to be," people responded.
"Right, but what about the details?" I asked.
"Communication is very important," they responded. "Most problems are resolved with communication."
"Okay, but I mean what about other details?"
"Like what specifically?"
"Like what if your partner has a new partner and they are bouncing around with excitement and you are fighting with a different partner and you are in the dumps? And you want to talk, but they just want to text their new partner and you're left alone and abandoned? It just seems like there are a lot of weird dynamics that don't make sense to me," I said.
"Compersion is something we all need to work on. Jealousy is real and it's painful, and we all experience it, but that shouldn't stop us from loving." The answers were so ready, it felt like a chat bot.
"But who's to say any of this is love?" I never said that, but I thought it. The answer would probably be something like: "Love is different things to different people and you can't know if a certain love works for you until you try it."
Polyamory felt more like an infinite distraction and an ego feeder than love though. But I still wondered if I could crack the poly code if it would work for me. So I kept asking questions and hunting for information but no one seemed to give a balanced, honest account of the polyamorous lifestyle.
I started this blog to outline my poly experience, to give someone else the information I was unable to find.
My poly experience took me to divorcing Tyler and starting a new relationship that feels like a monogamous dream come true. So this is probably my last poly post, but I wanted to outline a few things before I go.
Every polyamorous person I talked to said polyamory worked for them and they loved it, but the more I got to know them, I found they were in fucked up relationships that I never envied. In fact, I never met a polyamorous person who made it "work" no matter how much they said it did.
And then there was the cult-like element. They all seemed to be pushing the idea onto everyone else. "Polyamory is the key to a happy life." "Polyamory is the answer everyone is looking for." "If you don't like polyamory, it is because something is wrong with you or you're doing polyamory wrong." "The people who do polyamory right are the free-est, most mentally sound, loving people in the world." Prove you are good at polyamory and you are A-okay!
(Everyone tried proving they were good at polyamory, but I didn't find one person who actually was.)
In the end, polyamory reminded me a lot of Mormonism. Too many shallow answers to complex problems. Too many benevolent sounding platitudes, while ignoring the shitstorm polyamory creates. And just like Mormonism, polyamory seemed to create more problems than it solved.
Whenever I drove an hour to spend a weekend with Charles, Jane threw a tantrum and demanded hours of his attention while I talked to his seven-year-old. I could have thrown a fit too, demanding his attention because Charles greased the squeaky wheel. I could have talked to Charles about how Jane's behavior was affecting our relationship, but that just seemed like tug-of-war. Or I could have planted seeds of dissent that Jane was manipulative and controlling and she wasn't playing fair and I could have instructed Charles on how he needed to set boundaries with her.
But I didn't actually blame Jane for her behavior. I thought she was justified in feeling upset and threatened and playing passive aggressive games. But I also didn't enjoy trying to spend time with Charles only to have him neglect me.
For me polyamory was tedious and unsatisfying. But maybe I just wasn't made for it. Poly people often referred to monogamy as a prison, too restrictive etc. But to me monogamy is a relief. It is peaceful. With the right partner, monogamy gives me everything I want in a romantic relationship.
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